BIRTHDAYS ARE SCARY

I've been pretty busy with work these last couple of months, but honestly I've also been doing quite a bit of brain work.  Well, honestly ... therapy.   To put it bluntly, trauma therapy.  I've also been slowly scraping up to finish my envelopes (no, I'm not rich and don't have millions just lying around to waste) to finish my 55 Birthday project for myself.  

I had been doing pretty well recovering from my family tragedy back in the fall ... or so I thought, but I had been doing some work on blank memory spaces for a couple of years.  This event just brought it all up and well, frankly, just dumped all the shit out of my brain and then I had to put it back together.  I'm still putting it back together ... but I'm taking out A LOT of the trash!!  It's a good thing and it's quite healing.  But, boy it's an ugly process on some days.  So if you know, you know!!!  I will say "The Body Keeps Score" is an amazing book ... I recommend the audio!!  

Well, enough about that ... I'm moving forward and that is what counts.  Every day is a gift.  I wanted to write about why Birthdays are so hard for me and why I have decided to make my OWN birthday special. 

I never understood about triggers, but as I've been learning, every birthday that came and went over the years, nothing "special" ever seemed to occur.  I never seemed to feel special to anyone on that day or to be anything different that I ever was ... it was just another day aside from maybe the generic Facebook feeds.  Then as I kept digging into my past, I realized I never remember having a birthday party ... I had no memory of a party, no friends, no-one singing Happy Birthday to me, nothing special.  Just a normal day like every other, but maybe a generic "Happy Birthday".   

I do remember going over to my Aunts house once in 2nd grade and she tried to do something but no one came over.  I think that's the last memory I have of anything even remotely happening with my birthday.  

When I tried to hint to my adult children that I really wanted to have a 50th party none of them wanted to do anything.  Instead, a work colleague felt bad and tried to do a little lunch break sing-a-long but it just seems forced like "Holy Cow, I can't believe her kids wouldn't do it!"

After I turned 50 and met my friend from the south that changed my life ... I threw my own damn party.  Put myself up a tent, made a ton of food, played games, invited 5x as many people as I thought would even show up ... and ya know what???  Most of them all showed up!!!   I even met another person that would change my life in extraordinary ways.  THAT's another story!!

I still have Birthday Anxiety, but I have to remind myself all the time that I have the power to create my happiness and I can create my own party and my own surroundings if I choose.  

We all can!

I hope this last round of envelopes (there's 30 of them) hits some very special people and makes their lives better in some way.  

All the best!

Emily :)